Things Change

At the beginning of this year, I wrote about about how important it was to be civically involved in politics.  I was disheartened by the Trump presidency and frustrated with the state of America. (And then haven't posted anything since.)

I spent a LOT of time every day staying up-to-date on current events, writing and calling my senators, until the constant news cycle finally wore me down.  For about a month, I switched to only looking at news and social media for an hour a day before I was finally able to go back to my normal media consumption.

Since then, things have gotten (dare I say) way worse.  It feels like every day brings with it its own s***show.  Many of my friends have continued to become more involved- posting articles, doing research, attending protests, planning lessons for their students, having conversations, etc. in an effort to do their small part to bring about a positive change.

I however, am not.

I want to care, I even want the same things as them, but honestly, I just really don't give a flip anymore.

Instead, my brain is constantly filled with all of the things that have been happening on a personal level- which have nothing to do with race, politics, or government.

The book I have read more than any other (about 25x) is The Giver by Lois Lowry.  I have whole passages of that book memorized from frequently reading it out loud and I often think of it as complicated events unfold in my life.

The book opens: It was almost December and Jonas was beginning to be frightened.  No. Wrong word, Jonas thought. Frightened was that deep sickening feeling of something terrible about to happen.  
That section ends with this: There was a little shudder of nervousness when he thought about it, about what might happen.  
Apprehensive, Jonas decided.  That's what I am.  

Whenever I see people, it is now blatantly obvious that I am pregnant.  People I don't know at all or acquaintances I barely know, love to comment on said pregnancy and make lovely small talk about said baby.  None of these people mean anything other than positivity and good will, but it is beginning to grate on me.  When they ask how I'm doing (mostly expecting an answer about how the summer heat sucks or it's hard work chasing my toddler) my brain quotes The Giver to me.  How am I feeling?  Scared.  Sad.  Angry.  Worried.  And believe me, frightened.  Filled with a deep sickening feeling of something terrible about to happen.

I am not living in a deep dark place right now (and I'm going to therapy like a good little self-aware person), but I just have a hard time not building up those emotions when perfect strangers tell me how my life is going to be with 2 boys 2 and under.  They have no idea what my life is going to look like as it certainly isn't going to be "normal."

My life right now is a waiting game.  A waiting game with no clear end in sight.  Part of me wishes we had no idea something was wrong.  The pregnancy feels normal- he kicks me, my whole body hurts, I have to pee all the time, I have heartburn, and so on.  Wouldn't it be great if I could spend these months dreaming of my perfect little family with 2 darling boys and all the fun we would have?  Instead I'm googling medical terms and procedures and trying to wrap my head around the possibility that my little man may not even get to ever meet his baby brother.  Whenever one of those well-meaning people comments on how hard pregnancy is with "but it's so worth it in the end!" my brain wants to retort, but is it really?  Is the heartache and pain that might come with this one "worth it"?  What does that even mean?  What if I don't get that cute little bundle of joy?

So do I care about racism and fascism and terrorism and nuclear weapons and a revolving door of advisors and inadequate leadership? Of course.  Just forgive me for not being more forthright and vocal about those things right now.  I'm sure in some ways it makes me "just as bad" for staying silent and not joining the rallying cry, but I am fighting a smaller battle.  One with my own tears and fears.

2 Weeks Ago...

I became a mom! According to Husband I've been a mom as long as I was pregnant, but I think it really starts when that person is out!

Now for the (simplified, non-graphic) birth story: 

I have had nothing I would consider Braxton Hicks during my pregnancy. At my doctors appointment that Wednesday I was 3 cm. 

Sunday I spent the afternoon baking sausage balls and Christmas cookies. 

4 pm I had some pain/pressure different from the normal kicks.  I told Husband, " Maybe these are contractions?" 

5:30 pm I stop baking and sit with water to time the contractions. 8 min. 13 min. 8 min. 13 min.... 

Husband cooks dinner. We eat. I keep timing.

7:30 pm I go take a shower.  Husband decided this is real. 

8:30 pm I decide to go to bed. After 2 contractions I decide laying down is not going to happen. The pain is unbearable horizontal. 

10:15 pm Pain worsens and goes into my back. Doula suggests letting hot water from the shower run on my back. It helps. 

10:45 pm Contractions are now 5 minutes apart. Doula heads our way.

11:45 pm Call the doctor.  She tells us to come in.

12:10 am Check in to Hospital. 4 cm. 100% effaced. -3 station.

4:30 am Requested epidural (so I could sleep)

5 am Epidural 

10:15 am Doctor breaks my water

12:48 pm Begin pushing 

2:10 pm Little Man is born!

All in all, things went extremely well.  The doctor and the doula were fantastic. I couldn't have asked for better people in the room (that includes Husband too). Everybody's healthy and happy! 

Staying at Home

When I was born, my parents owned their own small business.  My mom brought me with her to work.  Then she stayed home full time.  Then, after we were in school, she worked part time.  Then, she worked full time.

I made it clear to Husband before we were married, that I hoped to stay home with my children one day at least for a little while.  He completely supported that decision.

In the last few years, my husband has often told me, usually after I had had a particularly good day at school or an emotionally trying one, that he didn't think I could do it.  "There's no way you can walk away from this," he would say, "You love it too much.  You're too good at it."

I DO love it.  A HUGE part of me is in serious denial that I have less than 30 work days as a teacher left.  But I am confident in my decision.  I think it will be what is best for our family at this point in our lives.  Where will we be in 5 years or 10 years or 20 years?  I have no idea.

People have told me it was a waste to get a degree and then quit working and stay home.  I disagree, but I'm ok if you think that too.  People have told me I have no business quitting in the middle of the year.  Honestly, a big part of me agrees, but again, I'm trying to make the decision that's best for my family.  People have told me I'll be back in August.  I disagree, but I really can't say for sure.  People have told me their own decision to stay home or their own decision to continue working was the best decision they ever made.  I hope that I am making the best decision for my family too, but I know I can always change my mind.  This is a season.  There will always be a chance to change and grow as the seasons change.

20 Weeks!

Twenty weeks yesterday!  This means we are officially at the half-way point (thank goodness)!  I know there are plenty of people in the world who claim to LOVE being pregnant... I don't really think I am one of them.  Don't get me wrong, I am thrilled to not be still suffering from morning sickness, however, I just don't love being pregnant.

In the last week I was finally able to definitely feel the baby move and Big A was too!  (That part of pregnancy is pretty cool.)  It is difficult to fully comprehend that there is a real baby inside me, but being able to feel it definitely helps!

How big is baby?
According to the internets baby is the length of a banana or papaya, about 6 1/2 inches, and weighs about 10 1/2 ounces.  However, when we went to the doctor a week and a half ago, baby was measuring bigger than the due date expected size and already 11 ounces. So basically... who knows!?

Weight gain?
I lost a little over 10 pounds in the first trimester and have started gaining it back.  I am currently about 4 pounds less than my pre-pregnancy weight.

Body and changes?
I officially can't button my pants any more!  I went shopping for maternity clothes this week (not my idea of a good time) and just picked up 3 boxes of maternity clothes from a friend who is letting me borrow them.  Sleeping has become more difficult.  My hips have starting hurting along with my lower back sometimes.  Nothing unusual, just not comfortable.  It is strange to feel so... large.

What I've been eating?
Eating pretty normal food.  I don't have any cravings (much to Big A's disappointment) and I no longer really have any food aversions (like I did during that awful first trimester).  My sweet tooth is back, so I've been making Oatmeal Chocolate Chip Cookies and having two or three of those after dinner.  I find as long as I have a snack and don't go too long without eating, I'm good.  Plus, I'm drinking LOTS of water (which should help with the fact that the doctor said my blood pressure was a little low).

Any movement?
Yep!  Amazing stuff!

Emotions?
Well... this week hasn't been one of my most emotionally stable ones, but I'm doing ok. :)

Purchases?
I hit up Belk's maternity "department" (corner) and got a few things there and a few things at the Motherhood store.  The woman at the Motherhood store really wanted to sell me cargo pants.  First she tried to sell me leggings.  Like the printed kind.
"I can't wear those to work.  I'm really looking for work appropriate attire."
"So how much can you get away with?"
"What?  What does that mean?"
"Like could you wear cargo pants?"
"Maybe?  But I'm certainly not going to!"
"What!? Why not! Cargo pants are the best!"
Later when I was checking out she brought up the cargo pants again telling me she'd had another girl turn them down too, saying they were too "mom-like" which she found offensive because, duh, that girl was a mom!  I didn't have the heart (or energy) to try and explain that while that might be true, it also wasn't 1997.

Missing?
Sleep?  And sandwiches.

Looking forward to?
Beginning to pack (we're moving!) and picking out fabric for the baby quilt.