Things Change

At the beginning of this year, I wrote about about how important it was to be civically involved in politics.  I was disheartened by the Trump presidency and frustrated with the state of America. (And then haven't posted anything since.)

I spent a LOT of time every day staying up-to-date on current events, writing and calling my senators, until the constant news cycle finally wore me down.  For about a month, I switched to only looking at news and social media for an hour a day before I was finally able to go back to my normal media consumption.

Since then, things have gotten (dare I say) way worse.  It feels like every day brings with it its own s***show.  Many of my friends have continued to become more involved- posting articles, doing research, attending protests, planning lessons for their students, having conversations, etc. in an effort to do their small part to bring about a positive change.

I however, am not.

I want to care, I even want the same things as them, but honestly, I just really don't give a flip anymore.

Instead, my brain is constantly filled with all of the things that have been happening on a personal level- which have nothing to do with race, politics, or government.

The book I have read more than any other (about 25x) is The Giver by Lois Lowry.  I have whole passages of that book memorized from frequently reading it out loud and I often think of it as complicated events unfold in my life.

The book opens: It was almost December and Jonas was beginning to be frightened.  No. Wrong word, Jonas thought. Frightened was that deep sickening feeling of something terrible about to happen.  
That section ends with this: There was a little shudder of nervousness when he thought about it, about what might happen.  
Apprehensive, Jonas decided.  That's what I am.  

Whenever I see people, it is now blatantly obvious that I am pregnant.  People I don't know at all or acquaintances I barely know, love to comment on said pregnancy and make lovely small talk about said baby.  None of these people mean anything other than positivity and good will, but it is beginning to grate on me.  When they ask how I'm doing (mostly expecting an answer about how the summer heat sucks or it's hard work chasing my toddler) my brain quotes The Giver to me.  How am I feeling?  Scared.  Sad.  Angry.  Worried.  And believe me, frightened.  Filled with a deep sickening feeling of something terrible about to happen.

I am not living in a deep dark place right now (and I'm going to therapy like a good little self-aware person), but I just have a hard time not building up those emotions when perfect strangers tell me how my life is going to be with 2 boys 2 and under.  They have no idea what my life is going to look like as it certainly isn't going to be "normal."

My life right now is a waiting game.  A waiting game with no clear end in sight.  Part of me wishes we had no idea something was wrong.  The pregnancy feels normal- he kicks me, my whole body hurts, I have to pee all the time, I have heartburn, and so on.  Wouldn't it be great if I could spend these months dreaming of my perfect little family with 2 darling boys and all the fun we would have?  Instead I'm googling medical terms and procedures and trying to wrap my head around the possibility that my little man may not even get to ever meet his baby brother.  Whenever one of those well-meaning people comments on how hard pregnancy is with "but it's so worth it in the end!" my brain wants to retort, but is it really?  Is the heartache and pain that might come with this one "worth it"?  What does that even mean?  What if I don't get that cute little bundle of joy?

So do I care about racism and fascism and terrorism and nuclear weapons and a revolving door of advisors and inadequate leadership? Of course.  Just forgive me for not being more forthright and vocal about those things right now.  I'm sure in some ways it makes me "just as bad" for staying silent and not joining the rallying cry, but I am fighting a smaller battle.  One with my own tears and fears.