Things Change

At the beginning of this year, I wrote about about how important it was to be civically involved in politics.  I was disheartened by the Trump presidency and frustrated with the state of America. (And then haven't posted anything since.)

I spent a LOT of time every day staying up-to-date on current events, writing and calling my senators, until the constant news cycle finally wore me down.  For about a month, I switched to only looking at news and social media for an hour a day before I was finally able to go back to my normal media consumption.

Since then, things have gotten (dare I say) way worse.  It feels like every day brings with it its own s***show.  Many of my friends have continued to become more involved- posting articles, doing research, attending protests, planning lessons for their students, having conversations, etc. in an effort to do their small part to bring about a positive change.

I however, am not.

I want to care, I even want the same things as them, but honestly, I just really don't give a flip anymore.

Instead, my brain is constantly filled with all of the things that have been happening on a personal level- which have nothing to do with race, politics, or government.

The book I have read more than any other (about 25x) is The Giver by Lois Lowry.  I have whole passages of that book memorized from frequently reading it out loud and I often think of it as complicated events unfold in my life.

The book opens: It was almost December and Jonas was beginning to be frightened.  No. Wrong word, Jonas thought. Frightened was that deep sickening feeling of something terrible about to happen.  
That section ends with this: There was a little shudder of nervousness when he thought about it, about what might happen.  
Apprehensive, Jonas decided.  That's what I am.  

Whenever I see people, it is now blatantly obvious that I am pregnant.  People I don't know at all or acquaintances I barely know, love to comment on said pregnancy and make lovely small talk about said baby.  None of these people mean anything other than positivity and good will, but it is beginning to grate on me.  When they ask how I'm doing (mostly expecting an answer about how the summer heat sucks or it's hard work chasing my toddler) my brain quotes The Giver to me.  How am I feeling?  Scared.  Sad.  Angry.  Worried.  And believe me, frightened.  Filled with a deep sickening feeling of something terrible about to happen.

I am not living in a deep dark place right now (and I'm going to therapy like a good little self-aware person), but I just have a hard time not building up those emotions when perfect strangers tell me how my life is going to be with 2 boys 2 and under.  They have no idea what my life is going to look like as it certainly isn't going to be "normal."

My life right now is a waiting game.  A waiting game with no clear end in sight.  Part of me wishes we had no idea something was wrong.  The pregnancy feels normal- he kicks me, my whole body hurts, I have to pee all the time, I have heartburn, and so on.  Wouldn't it be great if I could spend these months dreaming of my perfect little family with 2 darling boys and all the fun we would have?  Instead I'm googling medical terms and procedures and trying to wrap my head around the possibility that my little man may not even get to ever meet his baby brother.  Whenever one of those well-meaning people comments on how hard pregnancy is with "but it's so worth it in the end!" my brain wants to retort, but is it really?  Is the heartache and pain that might come with this one "worth it"?  What does that even mean?  What if I don't get that cute little bundle of joy?

So do I care about racism and fascism and terrorism and nuclear weapons and a revolving door of advisors and inadequate leadership? Of course.  Just forgive me for not being more forthright and vocal about those things right now.  I'm sure in some ways it makes me "just as bad" for staying silent and not joining the rallying cry, but I am fighting a smaller battle.  One with my own tears and fears.

Why do we still act like Jesus was white and the search for diverse toys

Last week there was heavy media coverage of two more Black men shot by police  and an attack at a Washington mall.  Last night, the first presidential debate.

There are some big issues and hot topics in our country.  They are often painful issues.

A friend once told me that people care about the things they consider "life and death."  For me, right now, there are very few political, global, or national issues that are "life and death." My life consists mostly of caring for our 10 month old son.  So while I absolutely CARE about so many things that are going on in the country and the world and they are definitely weighing on my heart, there is very little that falls into that "life or death" category for me.

So, what do I care about as a mom?  Do I throw my passions behind baby wearing, cloth diapering, or breastfeeding?  Nope.  I really don't care about those things*.  You do you, mama.  Rock on.

While motherhood has definitely shifted my focus, it is difficult for me to jump on most of the "mommy wars" topics when my heart isn't in it.  Instead, what I really care about (right now) is providing my son with toys and books that expose him to diversity and multiculturalism.  Seems kinda like a weird thing to care about.  But I think that the best way for me to make even the smallest difference in the world (with what my life is right now), is to actively pursue non-white toys and books for our son.  I promise, it doesn't happen on its own.

Whiteness is often the default.  Yes, being white still puts me in the majority in America** but far from the majority in the world.  It is challenging to find books that adequately represent many ethnicities and cultures, especially ones that don't also feel antiquated and stereotypical.  It is also challenging to find toys with people that are not overwhelmingly white.

Thankfully, the books do exist.  I have found quite a few which I'll be posting later, thanks to some awesome blogging children's librarians.  (I'm just talking about picture books with white and/or non-white characters/illustrations.  If every book I check out is a mirror to my child as opposed to a window, I feel like I am doing him a disservice.   

Diverse toys are harder to find.  I was looking at adding Duplo Legos and Fisher Price Little People on my son's Christmas list.  Duplos are overwhelmingly white.  He already has many of my old Duplo sets, so I was simply looking for a people add-on set with other-colored people.  The 21 piece DIVERSE (about half the people are still white) community people set... $59.95 and only available through educational supply companies or Amazon.  This should be sold everywhere that Duplos are sold!

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Little People were a little better in that I can buy specific non-white people individually (but then I feel like I'm adding in the token minority and that's not my goal either).  However, I was looking at the Christmas set- seems cute.  But WHY is Jesus white?  Y'all.  Jesus wasn't white.  The shepherd and wise men do add in a little color, but the issue is still the same.  Jesus was not a little blonde-headed white baby.  He just wasn't.

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I put out a question on the Facebook parenting group I am in, asking for multicultural toy suggestions, explaining the dilemma I had encountered.  Hape dolls and the Lakeshore people sets were the only two suggestions I got.

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This. Is. A. Problem. Multi-ethnic toys should be the norm.  Available at Target, Toys R Us, and Walmart.  Why can they only be found online and in "educational" toy stores?

We have got to stop whitewashing in America.  It does a disservice to non-white children, but it does a disservice to white children too.  Toys and books have to be mirrors AND windows.  We have to quit sending the message that white is the norm, the default, the best.  We can't hope to improve race relations or eliminate systemic racism when we aren't teaching our toddlers that people come in all colors... and they are all PEOPLE.  

We have to start having difficult conversations about race and bias and representation.

And we have to start changing the messages we send our children through their toys.




In my searching I did find this great post with five awesome toy ideas if you are looking for other ways to incorporate diverse toys.  I also found "My Family Builders" which was started by a KickStarter campaign and definitely a product I hope to get when Little Man is older.

*Anti-vaccine people though are dumb.  And I cannot be neutral on that topic.
**About 62% of Americans identify as white, non-Hispanic as of 2014.

Raising a Kid in the Digital Age

A few weeks ago I posted about how I had deleted my Facebook app and why.  I also wrote about my thoughts on comparing ourselves based on social media.

Today, I want to explain why you won't be finding a whole lot about my son on here, Facebook, Instagram or other social media platform.  

A few months ago I started "researching" how other people were handling this issue.  I LOVE seeing other people's kids online. It doesn't bother me at all. I read mommy blogs. I use social media to keep up with my friends and their kids' lives. 

However, we have decided that we will be taking a different approach. We won't be posting (at least for now) pictures of our kid(s) online.  We are also asking that other people not post pictures either.  

I realize this is completely weird. The fact that my kid won't have a ready arsenal  of #tbt pics may make them as weird as the kid in my 3rd grade class who didn't have a tv. I'm willing to take that risk.

There are lots of reasons why we decided to do this (and I won't go in to all of them here), but a few are as follows:

1. While a big part of me wants to post pics and updates because it feels like "Look what I did," I realize that he is a person too.  I never want to risk crossing that line of posting something that could easily be humiliating when he's 14.  Because once it is on the Internet, it doesn't go away.

2. I want him to have the opportunity to create his own digital image... when he is old enough... when he can understand what that means. 

3. I never want there to be at risk of creepy people "stealing" pictures or any of the other weird things I discovered when researching this stuff.

4. There are people in my online life who I don't want to have access to his pictures and updates.

5. I want there to be actual people in his (and my) life.  I don't want his (or my) worth to come from likes and comments and shares.  I want it to come from quality time with other people.  If people want to see him... I want them to come see him! (Or text me and I'll send a picture)

I in no way think this is the right choice for everyone.  Like I said, I LOVE seeing pictures and videos and posts of other people's kids.  However, right now, Husband and I have decided this is best for us.

I realize this is a hot button issue for some people.  Your thoughts?



Also, here are a few of the things I read that helped shape my decision: 1 . 2 . 3 . 4

Things I've Learned in the Last Few Weeks

1. Labor makes you cold. Or at least it made me cold. Like shivering/freezing cold. (I would totally expect the opposite.)  The heated blankets they have at the hospital are amazing.

2. I find myself now often referring to myself in the 3rd person... Like "Mommy's coming" or "It's ok, Mommy's got you". I find it odd and annoying at the same time, yet continue to find myself doing it. 

3. Hair on a newborn is awesome. "He looks like an actual person with that hair," said one of our friends. Of course, kid already looks like he needs a haircut, too.

4. People love giving babies blankets.  I feel like my house has been taken over with blankets.

5. Nursing isn't easy. It isn't impossible, but it certainly isn't easy. It also is time consuming. Or at least it is for me. I am learning how to stay occupied during that time. 

6. It is possible to have a newborn and take a shower every day. 

7. Everyone has an opinion when it comes to babies.  Rarely do these opinions agree.  This is true for medical professionals as well.

8.  Baby tracker apps are amazing.  We are using BabyConnect.  It helps when we are sleep deprived so we can remember exactly what is going on (especially when the doctor asks).

9. I miss teaching.  Right now the days (and nights) are long but I know when things start to get easier I will miss teaching less.  It is also hard to figure out "who I am" right now.  I don't want to be looked down upon because I don't work outside the home.  But I also don't want to assume that people will look down on me.

10. Having a strong circle of friends is truly life saving at this point.  We have friends who have brought us food and visited with us (to make us feel less isolated).  We even have friends who bought/brought us a Christmas tree so Little Man would have a great first Christmas.  They check in on us and love us and I know I would be a giant wreck without them.

Staying at Home

When I was born, my parents owned their own small business.  My mom brought me with her to work.  Then she stayed home full time.  Then, after we were in school, she worked part time.  Then, she worked full time.

I made it clear to Husband before we were married, that I hoped to stay home with my children one day at least for a little while.  He completely supported that decision.

In the last few years, my husband has often told me, usually after I had had a particularly good day at school or an emotionally trying one, that he didn't think I could do it.  "There's no way you can walk away from this," he would say, "You love it too much.  You're too good at it."

I DO love it.  A HUGE part of me is in serious denial that I have less than 30 work days as a teacher left.  But I am confident in my decision.  I think it will be what is best for our family at this point in our lives.  Where will we be in 5 years or 10 years or 20 years?  I have no idea.

People have told me it was a waste to get a degree and then quit working and stay home.  I disagree, but I'm ok if you think that too.  People have told me I have no business quitting in the middle of the year.  Honestly, a big part of me agrees, but again, I'm trying to make the decision that's best for my family.  People have told me I'll be back in August.  I disagree, but I really can't say for sure.  People have told me their own decision to stay home or their own decision to continue working was the best decision they ever made.  I hope that I am making the best decision for my family too, but I know I can always change my mind.  This is a season.  There will always be a chance to change and grow as the seasons change.

Moving Day!

 Moving is probably one of my least favorite activities.  It is a pretty awful reminder of how much STUFF you actually own.  

To be clear, I've never technically moved before.  We moved into our family house when I was about 3 (so I remember nothing of that) and my mom still lives there.  When I went to college, it was just a few minutes down the road and I was living on campus (read: furnished) all four years.  When husband and I bought our house, he lived there for over 6 months before I moved in; so we just moved a few things on weekends as we felt like it.  This time however, was going to be an actual MOVE.

As soon as we found "the house" the packing began.  My mom came out to our house almost every day for a month (bless her) and helped pack every box.  Since I'm not supposed to be lifting heavy stuff, she did all the lifting and helped keep me from getting too overwhelmed.  She also made pretty frequent trips to Goodwill to get rid of the crap we didn't need and took home the super awkward and fragile pieces so they wouldn't get messed up in the move.  We made sure that boxes were organized by room as much as possible and labeled as much as possible.

A week before the move, husband and I finished up the packing and furniture wrapping.  We packed our suitcases for a week and moved in with my mom.  (He then went out of town for work for almost the whole week.)  I did employ 2 friends for a few hours one afternoon that week to help me finish the last little bit that he and I didn't get to, but for the most part, it was all done.  Meanwhile, we closed on the house and the painters came and painted our entire house, which mom and I checked out each evening.  

Saturday was moving day.  We loaded a cooler with water, husband got a large U-Haul and drove out to our old house.  Mom and I headed to the new house (they're about 30-40 minutes apart) and began cleaning.  The house had been professionally cleaned before we closed, but there was still sheet rock dust and general dirt from the painters.  We wiped down everything in the kitchen and cleaned all the floors.  

We were expecting to have several hours to clean while the old house was getting loaded on the truck.  When husband called to say they were heading our way, I was shocked.  Turns out there were TWENTY-TWO people at our house to load the truck. 

We had created a Facebook event and asked friends to help us move, but I had NO IDEA that many people would show up.  They emptied the entire house into the street and two of my more spatially skilled friends packed the truck.  All the boxes marked fragile were placed in cars.  All the other boxes and furniture were piled (quite neatly from what I understand) in the truck.  In just a few hours they had loaded everything and were headed out to unload.

I labeled each room with sticky notes (what good is a box labeled "Living Room" if nobody knows which room in the house that is) and stuck sticky notes on the wall where the furniture pieces were going.  That way, as it came in, I didn't have to be there to answer the "where do you want this" and we didn't have to move boxes out of the way to put the furniture where I wanted it.

Eight more people showed up to help at the new house, meaning there were THIRTY (!!!!) people to help move us in.  I hated not being able to help, but was seriously overwhelmed with the outpouring of love that day.  By 1 pm everything was unloaded, furniture that had been taken apart was getting put back together, and boxes were starting to get unpacked.  We had expected most people to leave after emptying the truck, but a lot of them hung around to help unpack.  By 4 pm, we were pretty much COMPLETELY moved in.  Never in my life have I heard of a move quite like this.  The only thing left to do is hang all the pictures on the walls, but I have to make some decisions on that stuff first.

That night we felt like we had lived there for years just looking around.  It was the most amazing thing I had ever seen.

We weren't in any kind of rush to get moved in before Baby... but now we really don't have to be.  When Baby comes-- we are settled in! (Baby's room is still kinda lacking in furniture, but we're getting there!)

Family Reunion

I'm A few weekends ago, my husband's family had their annual family reunion.  He is a descendent of Eng and Chang Bunker- the world famous Siamese Twins.

I'll admit, I did not believe him the first time he told me.  Truthfully, I had never thought about why conjoined twins were often called Siamese.  It took him showing me a National Geographic article to convince me.

We have done the invitations for the last few years and sent them out again this year. My husband also helps run the Facebook group for the descendents.

This was the 26th year the reunion has taken place in Mount Airy.

Photo by Surapon Sujjavanich

There are several events that take place throughout the weekend, including a hot dog supper, often a play about the twins or a speaker, the actual reunion which includes a pot luck lunch, and an invitation to attend church on Sunday.  You can also visit the twin's graves and see a museum exhibit about them.

Photo by Surapon Sujjavanich

This year, there was the hot dog supper, an author who recently published a book about the twins gave a talk, some descendents spoke on the twins, and the Thai Embassy came for the main event (a lunch catered by the local Thai Cafe).

Many of my husband's extended family attended, as well as dozens of descendents of the twins.  In addition to the Minister and Deputy Chief of Missions and others from the Thai Embassy, several members of city and county government also attended.

It was a crazy weekend but incredibly cool.  I feel very blessed and honored to have been a part of it.  Now, who wants to pay for my trip to Thailand? :)

Photo by Surapon Sujjavanich

What a Weekend!

This past weekend was full of fun, family, and food!  We traveled to Mount Airy for a family reunion (more on that later) and then Sunday hit up the food trucks closer to home.

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Downtown Cary and the Heart of Cary Association have been working hard to vitalize the downtown area.  Not yet living in the area, we haven't been able to take full advantage of their efforts.  However, we were in town Sunday and decided to stick around a little longer to visit the food trucks. 

We took mom with us (she had never been to a food truck rodeo) and I didn't take a single picture (my phone was close to death and I kinda was too hungry to think about it).  Big A got a load of dumplings from Chirba Chirba Dumplings (his favorite).  He claims they are the best dumplings ever.  Mom got some pizza from Pie Pushers and I got a sandwich from American Meltdown.  I had the Scarborough Fare: pureed herbs (parsley, sage, rosemary, and thyme), spread onto sourdough bread & topped with aged gouda.  Delicious!

For dessert we made our way down to Locopops where we got the cookies and cream and the key lime pie pops.  They were the perfect cold treat on a hot day!

The Cousins Maine Lobster truck was also there and boy was there a line for it!  Apparently being featured on Shark Tank has its publicity advantages.  There were also short local films playing in the newly opened theater, live music on a stage and tons more food trucks.  I thought there was a great turn out without it feeling as crowded as some of the downtown Raleigh food truck events.

If you haven't ever checked out a food truck event or the specific food trucks we visited last night I'd highly recommend it!

The next one in Cary will be Sunday, October 4th from 12:00-4:30 pm.  Not sure if we'll make that one as we will be coming back from Boston and a wedding that afternoon!